


Consequences of a Drunken Confession

by cockwhoredan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Bondage, Bruises, Coming Out, Daddy Kink, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Overstimulation, Panic Attacks, Safeword Fail, Spanking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-25
Updated: 2016-03-25
Packaged: 2018-05-29 02:28:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6355237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cockwhoredan/pseuds/cockwhoredan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil gets flirty when he's drunk. Sex (and angst) ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> one of my favorite rps to date. done with kel, of course. (excuse the formatting, each paragraph is a different response & pov)

[set after dans 'memes of 2015' (he ﬂashes a screenshot from ‘how to befriend your favorite youtuber‘]

 

I'd almost forgotten about that video where you tied me up. And l'm only just realizing how kinky it was. -PL

_I thought that was part of the charm of the video. That my internet stalking clearly also involved you tied up in a cheeky way. -DH_

The ‘your ﬂesh is gonna taste so good‘ was a bit of a turn off though, I've got to admit. -PL

_I was trying to morph my hickey compulsion into something a little creepier. It's comedy, Phil. My videos used to be such high comedy. -DH_

Now they're just memes. -PL  
..Hickey compulsion? -PL

_I've become a giant, pale meme with better hair. No real character growth has occurred. -DH  
I have a thing for bruises. Sue me, Lester. -DH_

That should be your tumblr bio instead of lntemet cult leader. ‘Giant, pale meme.’ -PL  
On yourself? Or on others? -PL

_I think anyone on my tumblr can look at the picture of me I've still got up there and realize quite easily that I am, in fact, a giant, pale meme. -DH_  
Both. Sex aesthetic: pale + hickeys. -DH  
Aesthedick. -DH

In that picture you're more of a tiny, tan meme, but you've got a point. ~PL  
Oh my god. You're ridiculous. -PL  
What about bondage, then? Is leather included in the aesthetic? -PL

_Do you forget what I looked like when we ﬁrst met? That picture might be tanner than I am right now in this horrendous, freezing winter, but it's nowhere near the tan I used to be when l was still traveling with my family. -DH  
l'm hilarious, you mean. And leather is always my aesthetic. -DH_

Yeah, Christ, back when you actually left the house. Remember Jamaica? -PL  
I always wondered the secret reason behind the leather shirt. -PL  
Now I know it's because you're just kinky. -PL

_That shirt was half joke. -DH  
But yes, other half sex aesthetic. -DH_

I don't even want to know what's on your internet search history. -PL

_You would blush like you wouldn't believe, Philly. Don't ever look through my internet history. -DH  
Or my tracked tags on tumblr. -DH_

I may or may not already be borrowing your laptop. -PL

_Christ on a bike, Phil. Shield your eyes. -DH_

[long delay] Christ would probably fall off the goddamn bike if he saw this, Dan. -PL

_Oh, fuck. You must have gotten quite far in if you're swearing. -DH_

How far is ‘quite far’? -PL

_lt's not that awful! -DH_

l didn't say it was awful! -PL  
What all can I expect to ﬁnd in your tracked tags, before l go look? -PL

_Artsy, aesthetically pleasing versions of what you just looked at. -DH_

And what all did l just look at, exactly? Because it was sort of just a jumble of different porn videos. -PL

_Slightly kinky shit is how I'd describe it. -DH_

What kinks, though? Like, speciﬁcally? -PL  
l'm just curious. -PL  
Not gonna kinkshame you or anything. :P -PL

_Some girl wrote "Kinkshame me, daddy" in the chat on my live show last night. We had a lovely little chat about that. -DH_  
l guess mostly bondage stuff. Spanking. Marks. The things l mentioned. -DH  
Actually a bit of "daddy" in there, too. Christ would really fall off his bike. -DH

Oh god, your live shows are so much different than mine. Although I suppose I do get a few messages with ‘daddy’ in them. -PL  
[delay] Oh. -PL  
Do you...prefer saying 'daddy‘ or hearing it said to you? -PL

_Right? In your Iiveshows, everyone's giggling to you and telling you that you look lovely. Your daddy messages are endearing. Mine are either dirty, or them making fun of me. About falling off the chair, Nick Jonas. Most recently the Haru pillow and the fact I wore a coloured jumper yesterday. I'm a meme punching bag. -DH_  
All depends, honestly. -DH  
Quite versatile. -DH

It's because you're a walking meme. And you still haven't explained the Haru pillow. The fans went mad about that one. -PL  
Depends on what? -PL

_I barely hid the pillow this week and they lost their shit. And that l had tabinof on the bed. -DH  
Mood and partner. -DH_

Sort of cute that you sleep with an anime pillow. Also a bit concerning, but I won't judge. -PL  
I'm the same way, to be honest. -PL

_Cute and concerning. Write that on my tombstone when I die, please. That or "precious and problematic." -DH  
Since we're going for honesty hour, I'm also into being tied up. -DH_

Should've done that for the video, then. Instead of 'lnternet Stalker’ it should've been ‘The Cons of Meeting a Stranger From the lntemet' -PL  
In which I'm the seemingly innocent YouTube idol and you get tied up. -PL

_Moral of that video: Phil Lester will tie you up if you tell him your kinks. -DH_

Description: The one time danisnotonfire strays from satire and goes for a more realistic approach. -PL

_Thumbnail: me tied up and wearing the leather shirt. -DH_

We'd get ﬂagged. -PL

_l got ﬂagged for nudity last night on the live show and l was fully clothed. My ass was most likely out, though. -DH_

Shame l didn't tune in. :( -PL

_You're in a fun mood today. Spike your own Ribena? -DH_

I may've had a glass or two. -PL

_No wonder you're watching my porn. Cheeky Philip. -DH_

Conveniently, I'm into the same things. lf you were curious. -PL

_You are, are you? Very convenient. -DH_

Mhm. So your porn selection isn't all that bad. You've good taste. -PL

_I've never heard someone use "good taste" to describe porn. -DH_

I've been told I'm not like most people. -PL

_By me. That's what l tell you when you're sad. -DH_

Right. Yeah, l know. Thank you for that. -PL  
[delay] Is your neck really as sensitive as the fans think it is? -PL

_More sensitive, probably. -DH_

Really? -PL  
ls that part of the reason why you like hickeys so much? -PL

_Absolutely. And that's why I ﬂip when someone touches my neck in a non sexual context. It's almost as bad as if someone just grabbed your cock and then laughed like it was a hilarious joke. -DH_

Why don't you mind when I touch your neck, then? lf it's almost as sensitive as your /cock/? -PL

_[delayed] Because of friendship. -DH_

You ﬂinched when PJ touched your collarbone last week, though. -PL

_I don't live with PJ. -DH_

So it's different, then. -PL  
[further delay] Does it turn you on? Like. When someone brushes their hand across it or something? -PL

_Well, it depends. If something just brushes against your dick, some of the time you're just going to spaz a bit and shiver like "Fucking christ, don't touch my dick." Then other times, it's deﬁnitely going to be a turn on. -DH  
Blowing is always the second option. -DH_

[delay] Blowing air against your neck‘! Because I've done that to you before. As a joke, but. Multiple times. -PL

_l know, Phil. It becomes an issue every time you do it. -DH_

Do you get off on it‘? -PL

_l told you, I get turned on almost every time. -DH  
Hickeys slay me. -DH_

[10 minutes without reply] l should give you a few, then, if you like them so much. -PL  
To pay you back for sort of invading your intemet history, of course. -PL

_God, Phil. You're so tipsy... -DH  
More than a glass or two, right? -DH_

Maybe four. Or ﬁve? If you count the one I'm on right now. -PL  
The bottle of Ribena just looked so sad and lonely and l was bored and I couldn't /not/ mix it with vodka. -PL

_Jesus Christ, Phil. l forgot that you were a dirty ﬂirt when you're smashed. -DH_

ls that a yes to the hickeys? -PL  
Bet you'd look pretty with your pale neck all marked up. -PL

_[Delayed] Fuck. -DH  
As long as we both acknowledge that this is an awful, horrendous idea. -DH_

No, but it's such a good idea. Not a bad one. -PL  
I've always wondered what your moans sound like. -PL

_Bad, bad idea. -DH  
Loud, that's what they sound like. Desperate and loud as fuck. -DH_

Bet they're whiny and high pitched, too. You'd probably whimper if l started sucking on your neck, wouldn't you? -PL

_God. Yes. I turn into a pathetic, writhing mess... -DH_

l'm really, /really/ turned on right now. When'll you be home? -PL

_You really are smashed. I've been home for at least an hour now, Philly. I've been in my bedroom. Walked passed you in the lounge. -DH_

Oh. -PL  
So why aren't you in my lap? -PL

_Jesus Christ, am l hard. You can't say things like that. lt makes me whine. -DH_

I'd prefer you to be hard and whining in my lap. -PL

_Too much blood gone from my brain. Can barely even remember where the lounge is. God, you've already got me so fucked up. -DH_

Well if you'd just come in here I'd actually fuck you. -PL

_Fuck, Phil... We can't... That'll go over terribly. Too much fandom mess. You know that. We both know that. -DH  
Look, just... You give me a moment or two to calm down. l'll come out there. We'll do a little neck sucking to get this out of our systems. Everything will go back to normal. -DH_

All I know is that I've asked you to come here at least three times and I might have to spank you for not doing so. -PL

////////////////

Dan bit his lip harshly, trying to hold back a groan that fought tooth and nail to escape from the long, trembling column of his throat. Phil was absolutely killing him tonight with this slightly intoxicated dirty talk, but hell, if that last text didn't make him jump out from beneath his black and white duvet and walk tentatively into the lounge. "lt's really a quite awful idea," he repeated softly, standing in front of the sofa Phil was stuck in the crease of. "Horrendous..."

Phil's lips slowly curved into a wide, mischievous grin. He pushed the laptop from its position atop his knees, rearranging the empty glasses on the coffee table to set it down there instead. He replaced the laptop with Dan, reaching out to ﬁst the man's black shirt in one hand, pulling him close enough to where Phil could easily maneuver him onto his thighs. "lf it's such an awful idea, Why'd you come running at the thought of me spanking that pretty arse of yours?" he challenged. Every inhibition had been knocked down by the alcohol, and he was left with only want. Need. "Tilt your neck for me?" he suggested.

Dan had been seriously considering turning back around and running when Phil looked at him like that. As drunk as Phil was, Dan was stone cold sober and knew very easily that they should not be doing this. Something about that smirk made Dan's insides squirm with need though, and a small gasp punched from his lungs when Phil grabbed him and manhandled him onto his lap. "Because I have no self control," he muttered under his breath, hands ﬁnding themselves clasped at the collar of Phil's shirt. "And l wouldn‘t know a good idea if it bit me on the arse..." He obeyed Phil without another thought, angling his chin up and leaning forward in desperate attempt of getting some stimulation there.

A breathy laugh escaped Phil and he rolled his eyes as he leaned in, lips inches from Dan's neck. "You're not wrong." he murmured, his words coming out as hot breaths against the man's skin. He pressed a gentle kiss just behind Dan's jaw, feather light, peppering ﬂeeting kisses everywhere he could reach. He wanted to tease Dan a little before they went further. "Always full of bad ideas. I think this was a rather good one, though." Phil's head felt fuzzy. Maybe it was the drinks, or maybe it was how lovely Dan looked, neck tilted as he straddled Phil's waist. He ﬁnally latched his mouth onto Dan's neck properly, sucking and biting at the pale skin until had left a pleasing purple mark there.

Dan had gone a bit cross-eyed with desire when Phil had leaned in close, speaking just softly enough that warm air ghosted over the surrounding inches of Dan's neck. But this? God, he could never have even remotely prepared himself for how good it felt to have Phil sucking deep, dark marks into his skin while he rocked into the older man's lap. A soft moan fell instantly from his lips, ﬁlling the air of the lounge with as much heat as Dan felt deep in his gut. "lt's- gah... st-still a bad idea..." he stuttered out weakly, brain practically short circuiting as he jutted his chin out further to give Phil more access. "Worse than letting you touch my neck in every goddamn PINOF video we've ever done... Fuck."

Phil suddenly remembered every time he'd let out a puff of air against Dan's neck, every time he'd brushed his ﬁngers against it, and imagined how many times the man must've gotten off from it. Back arched, hand around his cock. "Fuck." he swore, something he mostly did when he was drunk as couldn't bother to curb his language. Heat coursed through his veins as Dan rutted into his lap. "The fact that you're so desperate for this says otherwise." he murmured against Dan's collarbone. It didn't take long until Dan's previously pale skin was littered with purple bruises, and Phil had taken to nipping at the marks, reveling in how Dan's body jolted from the action. "Touch yourself. I know you're hard." he said lowly. "But you're not allowed to cum yet- don't even consider it."

Groans started getting caught in Dan's throat, squeaking out into pathetic, needy whimpers when Phil's teeth would scrape over a newly formed purple bruise or his warm panting would dart out over Dan's quivering Adam's apple. "Phil," he moaned heavily, voice osculating between his high pitched whines and low, guttural sounds of approval. "Agh-god! Phil..." lt took him an extra moment to register what Phil had ordered him to do. A shiver ran up his spine as soon as he understood. He dropped his chin a bit, partially to give himself a break from the shiver-inducing wet dream that was Phil's mouth on his neck and partially to see what he was doing when he unbuttoned and unzipped his black jeans, pulling his cock out of his boxers with a hiss of relief and an arch of his spine toward Phil's warmth. "Hngh- shit..."

Phil couldn't tear his eyes away from Dan as he removed his cock from the conﬁnes of his boxers, and he admired how hard it was, angrily red and practically drooling precum. "You get so hard just from this." he said breathily, feeling Dan's racing pulse beneath his lips. "It's a shame I'm going to have to punish you." Although Phil looked forward to having Dan squirm in his lap as Phil smacked his cheeks a pretty pink. A hand rested at the base of Dan's spine to keep him steady, and the other slid up to tangle his ﬁngers into Dan's soft fringe. He gave it a light tug to expose more of the man's throat. lt didn't even occur how hard it'd be to cover up the marks for videos.

Dan's face, usually more or less colorless now that he spent so little time outside, had ﬂushed a pretty pink high over his cheekbones when Phil mentioned punishing him. Though nothing was quite as bad as the neck sensitivity, his thing for spanking was still invariably a desperate travesty of precum and whimpering. A hard shiver rode up his back again when Phil's solid hand made a ﬁrm appearance at the small of his back while the other tangled in his hair. "Phi-il,‘ he whined shakily, trying to go as slowly as possible as he ﬁsted his aching cock. "It's so sensitive, I'll get o-oh... overstimulated if you- fuck! tease too much, mm..."

Phil smirked, eyes dark, admiring Dan's trembling form in front of him. "S'pose we should head to the bedroom. It'll be a lot easier to spank you if you're laid out on my bed, hm?" He pushed Dan's hand away from his erection, and it twitched at the lack of friction. "Stand up for me." He got up off the couch, a hand wrapped around Dan's waist to prevent him from falling. "Go grab the lube, a tie, and the blindfold from that one video." he instructed. His voice was rough from arousal, ﬁngers skimming Dan's smooth chest beneath his shirt. "And meet me in my room when you've finished.

Dan's knees shook harshly when suddenly he was on his feet, black jeans caught around his thighs, and cock bobbing and twitching enough to make Dan want to cry. Authoritative Phil was really doing it for him, and it was beyond impressive that, even without Phil saying it, Dan knew he wasn't allowed to so much as touch his aching cock until he got into Phil's room with everything on the task list. Even the idea of touching when he wasn't supposed to sent a more subtle shiver up his spine. Essentially he had been moaning and shivering since Phil got those pretty, capable hands all over him. He nodded, swallowing thickly before darting into his own bedroom to grab everything Phil said he needed. Panting harshly from both the quickness of his movements and the lust that still pooled in his gut, he went into Phil's room and shut the door behind him. "I've got it all."

Phil hadn't completely sobered up yet, and he was suddenly thankful Dan wasn't there to see him as he stumbled once or twice on his way to his room. Maybe it wasn't the best idea to have sex this intoxicated- he wasn't sure how much he'd even remember the next day. But God, he couldn't stop this now, not with Dan desperate and needy and pliant under his fingers. He sat on the edge of his bed, stroking himself lazily when Dan came barreling into the room. "Good boy," he praised, licking over his lips. "Strip. I want you in nothing but the blindfold. Then lay across my lap." He tried to keep his words firm and authoritative, but he couldn't prevent the slurred consonants and vowels that seeped into his speech.

Dan practically choked on thin air when he noticed Phil's loose grip sliding over the prettiest cock he'd ever seen in his entire twenty-four years on earth. "I've also got a thing for being called good boy, since we're still in sharing hour," he told Phil gruffly, clearing his throat a bit when he stripped his long sleeved T-shirt off over his head, grabbing it by the back near the neck and just tugging until it was out of the way. It was harder to kick off his jeans, especially since so much of his concentration was split between Phil's cock and his own, but he eventually managed to get them and his socks off by some miracle. He dropped everything else on the  bed, except for the blindfold. His confidence faltered momentarily. "I, erm... what do you want me to do?" he asked tentatively.

Phil watched as Dan rid himself of his clothes, still fisting his erection in one hand as he admired just how pretty Dan looked naked. Sure, he'd seen him without clothes- walking into the bathroom while he was showering, averting his eyes with quick apologies and a red face. But this was different. He takes his eyes over Dan's body unashamedly, letting out a low groan at the friction of his hand. But then Dan's expression changed slightly, nervousness evident. "Come here. I'll help you with that," he coaxed. With a hand on Dan's hip, he eased him onto the mattress, plucking the blindfold from his hands. Fumbling drunkly, it took him a few tries to tie it around Dan's head. But he managed. The black silk looked so nice against Dan's pale skin. Phil proceeded to guide him onto his stomach, pulling him across his still clothed thighs. "Going to punish you now. You okay?"

Dan's moment of weakness was evaporating quickly when Phil fumbled to get the blindfold tied up and secured, because suddenly he was bent over Phil's lap, erection throbbing against the warmth of Phil's still-covered leg. The need in the pit of his stomach rekindled easily, and his fleeting doubt was more or less forgotten when he decided to grind down against Phil and let out a soft moan as an afterthought. "Yes," he gasped out. "Fine. Just spank me, Phil-" He wriggled his ass a bit. "-/please/..."

Phil smoothed his palm down Dan's spine, across his arse, giving the soft flesh a squeeze. "Don't grind down on my leg like a horny teenager.  Don't want you cumming without my permission." he murmured. And then, without warning, he brought his hand down across Dan's skin. Hard. He admired the pink handprint already blooming, and proceeded with another harsh smack, one after the other. Sometimes he alternated between cheeks, or he’d continue smacking the same spot in succession multiple times so that Dan would really feel the sting.

Dan was in the middle of Phil's demand going straight to his cock when, unprepared as all hell, he felt that big hand land a resounding smack to his ass. A cry leapt from his throat, loud and as high pitched as Phil had predicted. It hurt; there was no doubt about it. The firmness of Phil's palm gave each smack a new sting for Dan. Each time Phil's hand lingered though, Dan got a little more careless with following Phil's order not to hump down into his thigh. He was drowning his own thoughts out with dirty whimpers and room-filling moans. Unable to see anything, barely able to think, Dan got lost in the moment and made a grab for his own cock.

Phil's reflexes might have been addled from the numerous glasses of Ribena earlier, but he was acutely aware of Dan's hand slipping between his legs. Before he'd even touched his cock, Phil grabbed his wrist and yanked it, pinning it against his back. "I never said you could touch yourself." he growled. Before he could comprehend his actions, he was reaching for the necktie on his nightstand. His fingers felt clumsy as he tied Dan's wrists tightly together. But he managed, somehow. "That's better." Another smack to Dan's arse, this time harder, a consequence for breaking the rules a second time.

Dan yelped in surprise, unaware that he had been caught until Phil had a harsh grip on his wrist all of a sudden. Fear surged through about half of him, but the other half absolutely loved it. He trembled a bit and whined. "God, I'm sorry," he whispered softly, cock straining painfully when Phil growled at him. Dan became aware in the next moment that Phil was maybe... no, definitely tying his wrists together. Another sharp cry arose when Phil smacked his ass harder. "Ah, fucking Christ, Phil..." he murmured breathlessly. "Gah..."

Phil landed at least eight more hits to Dan's skin before he stopped, deeming it appropriate punishment for what had happened earlier. He didn't count the incident he'd just prevented with the necktie. If he did, the punishment would've been far longer, drawn out, and he didn't want to push Dan too much. Especially since he was drunk and might go farther than Dan was okay with. He rubbed the skin soothingly once he'd finished, the flesh hot and agitated against his palm. But it looked so goddamn pretty. "You think that covers it, hm? Think that's an appropriate punishment for disobeying me earlier?"

Dan nodded desperately when Phil stopped to rub his firm palm around the sting and ache of Dan's presumably bright red ass. "Phil, I..." A left over moan from the unsettling feeling that Phil was no longer spanking him fell from Dan's lips, and he straightened his shoulders, trying to remember the rest of his sentence. "Fuck me," he breathed when it entered his mind, straining against the tie around his wrists. "Do something Phil, please, I need... I need something. Let me touch myself, touch me, just let me rut against you until I cum all over myself, oh, christ..." He bit his lip and nodded again. "Please?" he begged, adding in a soft voice- "Daddy?”

Phil was about to deny Dan's requests, quite liking the idea of having the boy grind down against his thigh until he came, gasping and desperate. But then the word 'daddy' escaped his lips. Phil's breath caught in his throat, a surge of heat rushing to his cock. "Gonna fuck you, baby. God. Such a good boy, took your punishment so well." He slid Dan's bound frame off his lap and onto the duvet, grabbing the lube and slicking some of the cold substance over his fingers. He rubbed them together a bit, warning up the lube so it wasn't as cold. "Tell me if you need me to slow down." he added in a more gentle tone. He wasn't far gone enough to ignore Dan's comfort. Slowly, he pressed one finger inside, met with a little resistance. "Whens the last time you got fucked? Want to know how slow I should go."

Dan mewled sweetly and needily when the string of praised started to fall from Phil's lips. He was whining quietly in the back of his throat when suddenly Phil was whispering sweetly to him and then there was pressure at his entrance and then "-oh god..." he moaned, drawing it out as his hands struggled fruitlessly against the ties to get a good grip in the comforter. "Long time," he breathed out, adjusting and simultaneously wriggling against Phil's long finger. "But I've- fuck, had my fingers in my arse more than enough. A couple times from you teasing my goddamned neck..."

A part of Phil was comforted by the fact that Dan hadn't been fucked in a long time. Of course, he sort of knew, since the man never brought anyone home, but it was nice to have verbal confirmation. To know he was the only one Dan had allowed to touch him in a long expanse of time. "Were you imagining my fingers instead?" he breathed against the shell of Dan's ear as he stretched him out with a single digit. "My cock, maybe? Filling you up and fucking you wide open?" He slipped a second finger alongside the first, scissoring them, crooning them against Dan's prostate.

Dan let out a squeak of agreement, humping back against Phil's fingers as it was the only movement he had any control over. "Yes," he breathed raggedly, an embarrassingly loud moan punched from his chest when Phil hit his prostate. "Yes, I've thought about... you. Touching me like this." He sighed prettily, the end of the sound turning up and into a heavy whine. "And god, I need it so badly, daddy..."

Dan's moans were more erotic than Phil had imagined they'd be- and yes, he'd imagined what Dan would sound like during sex, what noises he'd make if Phil had two fingers buried inside him like he did right now. Dan's voice got all high pitched and whimpery and so, so loud. "I know you do. So desperate for me, aren't you?" he replied hoarsely. A third finger was worked inside him, and slowly but surely, Phil fucked him open with his fingers until he deemed Dan prepared enough. "Want my cock now?" he asked. It gave him a sort of rush, as he pressed his cock against Dan's entrance, to see the man naked, vulnerable, while Phil had just unzipped his jeans to pull his member out. "Beg for me to fuck you. Want to hear that pretty voice of yours."

Dan was riding high on the buzz of undeniably want and being ordered around by Phil, complying to the best of his ability. Of all the orders so far, excluding any that involved his neck, Dan was the best at following this one. "Oh, fuck..." he growled out before bracing himself, straightening his spine, and trying to take control of his quivering voice. "Please, daddy..." he whimpered pathetically, unable to command the voice he wanted and instead stuck in this shaky, high pitched whine that gave away his rutting, desperate neediness. "Christ, I need... Fuck me, please? Need that cock so badly, daddy... I've got all my pretty bruises and now I just need your big cock to stretch me open, fill my arse, /please/..."

Phil let out a sharp breath, swallowing the lump in his throat. His tongue suddenly felt too thick in his mouth, and he couldn't form any words. Dan was so goddamn perfect, and Phil didn't understand how he'd gotten so lucky. "Yeah, yeah, okay. Since you asked so nicely." he managed to choke out. And then he was slamming his hips forward, bottoming out on the first thrust and trusting that he'd stretched Dan enough. "God. You're tight. Fuck, baby, feels so good." He started thrusting forward and set a hard, fast pace, gripping onto Dan's bound wrists as leverage as he fucked him.

"Oh..." Dan was pretty sure it was the lowest sound he had ever emitted, but that made sense knowing that Phil balls deep in him was the best feeling he had ever experienced. He choked a bit on another gasp, purely impressed by the sheer size of what was no essentially rearranging his insides. He gripped onto Phil's hands grabbing his wrists as best as he could, nodding and moaning in appreciative response of Phil's praise. "Yes, ye-! ah... oh, fuck me, fuck me hard, please, feels so- fuck!”

Phil complied easily, snapping his hips forward more forcefully. His technique was a bit sloppy and desperate, mind still pleasantly hazy. But he managed to remember to angle his hips up, driving straight into Dan's prostate with every movement. He wanted to make the man feel as good as he did right now. "Look so lovely on my cock. So pretty, Dan." he panted out. He was already growing embarrassingly close- being intoxicated meant that his stamina had taken a considerable hit, and Dan's heat was constricting around his cock. "You think you can cum from just this?" he gasped out.

Phil's thrusts grew powerful enough that Dan was pretty sure he couldn't breathe every time Phil slammed into his prostrate. It wasn't like he needed to keep his eyes open for anything since he couldn't see a damn thing anyway, but Dan felt his eyes flutter shut as his body started to give way and he knew he was close after all of Phil's fucking teasing. How affected Phil seemed to be, going solely off of the strained sound of his voice, definitely became a factor for Dan. He tried to bite out a yes for a minute before giving up to nod, just barely perceptible. "Yes," he croaked lowly, biting his lip once more and stifling a cry. "Fuck me hard, daddy, I promise I can cum for you- oh...."

Dan's stuttered plea was what sent Phil over the edge. He moaned lowly, something that sounded suspiciously like Dan's name, and there was an intense heat coursing through his body as he rode out his orgasm, filling Dan with his cum. "Fuck." he panted. He couldn't remember cumming this hard, or feeling this good in ages. This could possibly have been the best sex he'd ever experienced- he hoped he'd remember it vividly the next day, and that it wouldn't be a fuzzy, alcohol ridden memory like so many drunk nights became. "Cum for me, cum for daddy. Be a good boy, Dan." he coaxed breathlessly.

"Good boy..." he repeated mindlessly. Dan didn't have much time to contemplate it, but apparently it was true that losing one sense made the others that much stronger. Without being able to look at what was going on, he was on sensory overload. Hearing and feeling Phil groan his name and come in his ass was too much for Dan, and he let out a whimpery cry, gripping as hard as he could into Phil's hands and rutting down. His orgasm rippled through his gut and suddenly he was screaming Phil's name, coming untouched all over his best friend's brightly colored duvet. "Fuck..."

Phil pulled out, a dazed sort of expression on his face as he watched the cum trickle from Dan's entrance. Oh. Oh god, he wanted to ingrain this memory in his head forever. Then he realized that while he'd been staring, Dan had been sitting there with his wrists tied and a blindfold across his eyes. He suddenly felt lethargic, a side effect of drinking, but undid the ties on Dan's wrists as best he could. He struggled a bit more with the blindfold, tossing it to the floor once he'd gotten it off. "You were so good, Dan." he praised quietly, tiredly, dropping a kiss to the man's shoulder. The exertion of sex mixed with five glasses of Ribena had him curling up into the duvet, carding a hand through Dan's fringe as his eyes fluttered close. "'M so tired. You wore me out."

Dan felt a nagging feeling in the back of his mind. It sounded similar to the one that had been there earlier, while he had repeatedly told Phil that hickeys were a bad idea of something for them to exchange. He tried, somewhat successfully, to block it out. Letting his eyes shut helped a bit, and hearing Phil's sleepy slur and feeling those clumsy hands in his fringe made Dan's heart rate slow to a more or less normal level and his head quiet down a bit. "Sleepy now, Philip," he murmured sweetly, curling up next to Phil and pushing away all thoughts of how waking up like this would make the situation so much worse. He wanted to be pressed up against Phil, naked, spent, and happy, even if it was going to be a nightmare tomorrow. "I'm sleepy as hell. You're not gonna make me go back to my own room, are you?"

Phil threw an arm around Dan's waist, pulling him even closer. Dan was like a furnace and Phil's tired body ached for the warmth radiating off of him. Tucking his chin against the top of Dan's head, he was grateful that he hadn't bothered to turn the lights on, as the room had been well lit by sunlight a half hour before. He didn't think he'd have the energy to get up in any case. "G'night." he murmured. Sated, content, and happy, he slowly drifted off to the sound of Dan's soft breaths against the pillow.


	2. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> choo choo here comes the angst train (this is the panic attack chapter so if that's triggering u can skip it there will be smut later)

Dan drifted off just a few minutes after Phil did, but he woke up first. He was groggy when his eyes finally peeled open, and his line of vision attempted aimlessly to focus on something for a few minutes before it actually happened. A duvet. A brightly colored duvet. Blue and green, instead of black and white... That was when he realized that warmth radiating against him was Phil- and then he remembered everything. "Oh god," he whispered, mortified as his mind started racing. As much as his heart thudded in his throat and panic washed over him, he tried to act calm. Thinking for a moment, hr began slipping out from beneath Phil's grip, thinking that maybe if he could get back into his own room and get to the makeup to cover those hickeys for a few days, Phil might totally forget what happened.

Phil was still in the drowsy, confused state that bordered sleep and consciousness, and the only thing his mind registered at the moment was that something pleasantly warm was moving away from him. He grumbled something incomprehensible, and without control over his own limbs, pulled Dan's body flush to his chest. That was nice, he thought. He was warm and comfortable and everything smelled like Dan, and- His eyes flew open, met with a back view of Dan's disheveled fringe. He racked his brain for an explanation, but the only thing he could remember clearly was a /lot of spiked Ribena/. And Dan's naked body pressed against his own filled in the blanks. Oh god. "I- are you awake?" he stammered awkwardly, noticing Dan had become very still. "I'll just- I've got a headache, um, gonna take a shower." Well,  that wasn't a lie. His head was killing him.

Dan's heart leapt into his throat when Phil woke up and started speaking with him and -oh god- he wasn't even remotely prepared for any of this. He shouldn't have done this. He knew that now, and technically he knew that last night. Despite all that, despite the awful sinking feeling chest and the knot in his stomach, he couldn't deny it was "nice" to wake up curled next to Phil. "I'm sure you've got a headache," Dan mumbled, burying his face into the comforter as he flushed bright pink. "You... you go shower. Alright. I think I've got quite a few things to do today..."

Phil's gut twisted with guilt as he pushed himself up from the mattress, and it wasn't from the hangover. It was from the fact that in his drunken idiocy he'd somehow pressured Dan into sleeping with him. Taken advantage of him, probably, and Phil hated himself for that. Hated himself for making things awkward, for probably damaging their friendship permanently. "If. Um, if you don't mind, could you put the coffee maker on when you get up?" he asked, hesitant. He swallowed thickly, standing beside the bed for a moment, and he opened his mouth to say something. Maybe to suggest that they should have a proper, adult discussion about the previous night. But Phil was never good at confrontation so he stayed silent, awkwardly retreating to the bathroom.

Dan nodded wordlessly in response to Phil's question. Speaking was more or less impossible at this point. It was so unbearably awkward, both of them just staring each other down in complete discomfort. When Phil finally stalked out of the room, Dan groaned and grabbed Phil's pillow, letting out a stream of frustrated noises into it. This could have ruined everything, and Dan couldn't even remotely pass for things being normal. Eventually, he stood up, gathered his clothes, and made his way to his own bedroom. He felt a bit like he was going to be sick, thankful in that moment that he hadn't been the one drinking, because at least he didn't have a hangover now. Of course, he might have forgotten everything if he had been drunk. That would've been ideal. He got dressed, trying to block everything from his mind as he heard Phil turning on the shower. "Quite the fucking mess you've gotten yourself in here, Daniel," he grumbled to himself with that awful habit of entire conversations with himself as he walked into the kitchen, grabbing his cereal before Phil could get to it and taking care of the coffee as he'd been asked. "This won't end well."

The shower was always the place Phil came up with ideas- ideas for skits, videos, projects. So it was no surprise that he found himself with his forehead resting against the tile, letting the hot water drum against his back as he tried to come up with an idea that would fix this. And he found none. The two solutions were to talk things through, or never speak of it again. Phil's skull was pounding too much for him to produce intelligent sentences, so he opted for staying silent. Besides, it seemed like Dan regretted things as well, going off the mortified look on his face when he'd woken up. Phil refrained from exiting the shower until almost an hour later, when his fingers were wrinkling and the bathroom was clouded with steam. He didn't want to go out and face Dan. But he needed the coffee. Tucking a towel around his hips, he took a deep breath, then stepped out and headed for the kitchen.

"You can do this. Just a normal day..." Dan was beginning to feel his stomach settle just a bit. Fixing breakfast groggily was habitual enough to be a good distraction, and his head wasn't swimming as much as he focused intently on the itinerary and to do list of his day instead of the done list of last night. That feeling of more or less general relaxation last just a few moments however, because as soon as his reassurances to himself were done and he turned around, Phil was suddenly there all damp and towel-tucked. "Christ," he breathed out in pure reaction, blinking a few times before he had the mental capacity to response appropriately. "I just- you scared me. I didn't hear the shower shut off." He became acutely aware of the hickeys littering his neck, mentally cursing himself for not utilizing coverup or a hoodie. "I made coffee."

Phil didn't even hear Dan's alarmed reaction, too distracted by the purple bruises covering the expanse of his neck. Oh. /Oh/. He suddenly felt too hot, and quickly blamed it on the shower he'd just taken. "Sorry to sneak up on you," he replied once he could form words again, forcing his eyes to Dan's face instead of the pretty marks on his skin. "Thanks for making coffee. My head's killing me." He hoped the caffeine would help. With a warm mug in his hand, he rummaged through the cabinets to dig out some painkillers. "Shouldn't have drank last night." he muttered, mostly to himself. But the hangover was the least of his worries.

"You drank a lot," Dan noted conversationally, attempting mostly successfully to keep himself calm and his tone level. He leaned back with his butt against the counter, crossing his arms over his chest. "I was a bit surprised. You don't usually drink alone." You don't usually fuck me in the arse after bruising my neck up like nobody's goddamn business. That's what Dan wanted to say. It was definitely what he was thinking. But he kept it to the appropriate conversation, smiling a bit up at Phil. It was hollow, and not even remotely believable, but it was an effort. "Or drink that much when you're with other people, really. But mostly not alone, just getting plastered in the lounge with my spiked Ribena."

Phil knew it was odd for him to drink in such excess. Sure, he got buzzed sometimes, at parties or social events, but never by himself. And certainly never half a bottle of Ribena, of all things. He tried to think of what might've caused him to make such a goddamn idiotic decision, and- oh right. Yeah. He'd been binge watching Dan's old videos, that was it. Seeing the boy he'd practically fallen in love with, soft brown fringe framing his pleasantly tan face. Hesitant smiles, two-in-the-morning Skype calls with giggles muffled into the sleeves of his hoodie, entire body aching to touch Dan through the screen, see his pixelated form in reality. A tidal wave of feelings had hit him square in the chest four seconds into the first video. And alcohol numbed feelings pretty well, didn't it? "Right," Phil said, snapping himself out of thought. "I can't quite remember what got into me. S'pose I was just horrendously bored." He frowned against the porcelain rim of his cup as he saw how forced Dan's smile was. "Remind me never to drink again."

Dan recognized the few moments Phil disappeared, and he simply brought his hand to his face to worry on the skin of his thumb with his teeth. He knew Phil almost better than he knew himself; it was easy to recognize, for him, at least, the barely perceptible symptoms of Phil being someplace else mentally. A certain look in those crystal blue eyes, the ones that had been ruining Dan's life since the first in-color amazingphil video he watched, always gave him away. But Dan's innate and intimate knowledge of Phil only went so far; he had no idea what Phil was thinking behind the clouded, vacant stare. He hoped it wasn't anything bad about him, but judging by Phil's words, Dan guessed it was. "I'll try, Phil," he laughed softly, the name almost getting stuck in his throat at how different it sounded now. "But in my defense, I didn't know you were smashed until- well, until you had already drunk too much."

Phil felt grateful for the mug in his hands, because he was sure if he didn't have something to press his palms against, they'd be shaking noticeably at his sides. "Sorry." he mouthed around another sip of coffee. The stress of the situation only made his headache worse, a steady throbbing just behind his eyelids that made him dizzy every time he glanced at the kitchen light. "Sorry, I- I'll have a bit more self control next time, hopefully." The Ribena bottle was still sitting atop the coffee table, and he winced at the drained state of it. And then he saw his phone, discarded on the floor. Maybe it'd help him fill the gaps from the previous night. Coffee in hand and towel riding lower around his waist, he padded over and grabbed his phone from the floor. He put in his passcode automatically, and. Oh. Phil's body tensed as he scrolled through the messages, his heart pounding in his chest. He hadn't forced Dan into anything, at least. But. Fuck, this was... "I guess this explains all the hickeys." he said quietly.

There was a very real few seconds where Dan might or might not have been about to vomit all over their kitchen floor and his black socks. Those few seconds were the direct result of Phil picking up his phone, scrolling through his texts, and then mumbling something about the hickeys under his breath. Quite honestly, Dan was surprised when bile didn't make its way up the bruised column of his neck. He felt sick enough to his stomach for that to seem likely. It was all piling onto him in this split second of Phil looking up at him. There was Phil, always so sweet and so nice to him and everybody else in the world, interesting and creative and an absolute ball of sunshine... and Dan had let him make such an awful decision drunk. It was too much for Dan to handle, gravity of the matter pressing down on him and he couldn't even begin breathe calmly. The need to run away had been very heavily evident since they both woke up, but the hollowness in his chest slammed into Dan like a freight train when the fear, panic, and discomfort all morphed into a different emotion entirely. His big brown eyes began watering instantly, and he buried his face in the heels of his palms in those few last moments he could hold on before he burst into tears. Sobs racked his body as he attempted to muffle the sound and spectacle into the safety of his shielding hands. "Oh, god..."

Phil's eyes were still fixed on the texts, his mistakes bright and blatant through the cracked screen of his phone. He only managed to tear his gaze away when he heard a choked sound from the other end of the room. Looking up, all it took was the sight of Dan's heaving shoulders and covered face to send his mind reeling. He'd fucked up. Oh god, had he fucked up, and now Dan was crying, and something felt too-tight in Phil's chest. Another sob escaped his flatmate, and Phil went into Dan's-sad-and-we-need-to-help autopilot. His knack for soothing the man had come with years of experience, countless existential crises, and numerous mental breakdowns during uni. He crossed the room in a few quick strides, dropping his phone on the counter in favor of gathering Dan's form into his arms. Sure, he was in just a towel, but Dan was his main concern. "Shh, hey, please don't cry." he coaxed, voice shaking. "Everything's fine. Please don't be upset."

Phil's eyes were still fixed on the texts, his mistakes bright and blatant through the cracked screen of his phone. He only managed to tear his gaze away when he heard a choked sound from the other end of the room. Looking up, all it took was the sight of Dan's heaving shoulders and covered face to send his mind reeling. He'd fucked up. Oh god, had he fucked up, and now Dan was crying, and something felt too-tight in Phil's chest. Another sob escaped his flatmate, and Phil went into Dan's-sad-and-we-need-to-help autopilot. His knack for soothing the man had come with years of experience, countless existential crises, and numerous mental breakdowns during uni. He crossed the room in a few quick strides, dropping his phone on the counter in favor of gathering Dan's form into his arms. Sure, he was in just a towel, but Dan was his main concern. "Shh, hey, please don't cry." he coaxed, voice shaking. "Everything's fine. Please don't be upset."

Dan had been taller than Phil for a while now, but when Phil gathered him into his arms, Dan felt just as tiny and emotionally raw as he had been when they first became such close friends. It didn't matter that Phil was half naked, or that Dan was absolutely covered in purple marks and broken blood vessels, or even that Dan was pretty sure he was the world's ugliest crier. All that mattered was how much better he felt in the instant Phil wrapped his arms around Dan's heaving shoulders. The total relief of leaning onto Phil was short lived however, as a small part of him felt horrendous for guilt tripping Phil like this. It wasn't on purpose, of course, but Phil sounded concerned and guilty enough that Dan felt like he had manipulated something, somehow. He sniffed a few times, body periodically letting out the blubbering shivers that always resulted from cutting short a good cry. "I'm okay," he murmured softly, head still buried in his hands. "I'm alright, I just..." He lifted his head, looking Phil in the eye and realizing that he had made a mistake in doing so when a new wail bloomed and burst out of his lungs. "I'm so sorry, Phil," he wept loudly, dropping his head to his hands once again. "I didn't mean to do this to you, I... Oh, god, Phil, please don't hate me..."

Phil felt like he did back in 2010 when Dan had dropped out, helpless, holding Dan tightly against his chest and praying that he'd be able to fix this. A fresh wave of sobs escaped the man, even after he'd insisted he was fine. Phil knew he wasn't- and wait, was /Dan/ apologizing? "You've nothing to be sorry for, Jesus Christ." he managed to get out, words coming out slightly muffled since his lips were pressed to Dan's fringe. "This was all my fault. I'm the one who got drunk and initiated it. Okay? I read the texts, and you did nothing wrong." He hated that he'd put Dan in this sort of position. Sure, he'd been sober while Phil had been absolutely hammered, but Phil had wanted it. Even now, the sight of the purple bruises made him weak. "I don't hate you. I could never hate you, don't even think that for a second."

Dan tried to answer, to explain to Phil that of course he had done everything wrong, taken advantage of his beautiful, hammered ball of sunshine, but the crying was starting to sound a bit ridiculous, verging on cartoonish. He decided to just let out the worst of the room shaking sobs until, eventually, his ragged, labored breathing began to stable itself out just a little. Still crying and with his face still hidden by his fingers, he bit his lip. "It is my fault," he whispered brokenly, just barely audible even if he was near centimeters from Phil's ear. "You were drunk and I shouldn't have come running to take advantage of you the second your pissed arse gave me something to take advantage of." His chest had begun aching again, even pressed against Phil's, although the slightly erratic beat of Phil's heart gave him familiarity enough to think about all the other times Dan had needed comfort from his best friend. Phil had always been there for him, through thick and thin, and... dwelling on it made his hyperventilating start up when he was this upset. He decided it would be better for the memory to drift out of the forefront of his mind. "I'm so sorry," he whimpered pathetically.

Phil recalled a couple of the messages he'd read with shallow breaths. One in particular urged him to place his hands against Dan's own, gently pulling them off of his face. Phil bit his lip at the sight. Red-rimmed eyes, tears streaking his blotchy cheeks. Phil thought he looked beautiful, even them. 'Too much fandom mess,' he remembered reading. 'You know that. We both know that.' Well, if the fandom was the only thing holding Dan back, then Phil supposed he'd have to take the step to try to fix this. Headache long forgotten and Dan's face cupped between his palms, he sucked in a breath. Then his lips were meeting the damp skin of Dan's cheek, hesitant, fleeting, wishing he could kiss the tears away.

Dan's heart fluttered sweetly in his chest, the most delicate little flip he'd ever felt it do, like he had traded it for a hummingbird some time in the last few moments of it being wrenched unbearably by the idea of hurting or losing Phil, today or ever. Those feelings of panic and pain washed away in the moments Dan felt his tears kissed away by the one person who always got rid of his tears somehow. The wrenching of his heart was now a bit more bearable, the harrowing twitches more because of how intensely he cared about Phil and loved being taken care of by him than because of a bone-splitting guilt. "Phil..." He wasn't quite sure what to do with Phil's attention now that he had it; he didn't have anything of importance to say, at least not that he could articulate. "Phil, I..." His hopes rose dramatically when Phil pulled back to look him in the eyes. Leaning in, Dan pressed his lips to Phil's, holding his breath and anxiously anticipating to be pushed away by Phil.

It gave Phil some sort of relief that Dan was just as lost for words as he was. Although, maybe it was the close proximity that was causing Dan to cut himself off. He pulled back for just a moment, to give Dan room to breathe and collect his thoughts. But then it wasn't Dan's cheek against his mouth, it was Dan's /lips/, soft and pliant beneath his own. His hands hovered awkwardly over Dan's back for a moment before one came up to tangle itself in Dan's fringe, the other clutching at the thin fabric of his shirt. God. He'd been waiting for this for too long, fleeting glances at Dan's mouth when he talked, or when the man's lips were bitten red from the cold, chapped and perfect. He sighed contentedly into the kiss. Dan's lips were salty from the tears, but Phil could taste coffee. The cereal he liked to steal, always earning a exasperated, fond look from Dan when he did so. And something else that was uniquely Dan.

It was nice, among other things, that instead of Dan's heart being caught in his throat, as had been customary during the emotional rollercoaster, it was Phil's happy sigh that got caught there. Dan hand wrapped his arms around Phil's neck and some point, and when they finally broke apart, all he did was stare at Phil. Their eyes were quite opposite; Dan thought about it any time he looked into Phil's. Now he knew that the light blue and warm brown were locked together, both ends trying to convey endless messages to the other. Dan knew only vaguely what his own eyes were pleading: for this love, for a simple solution to it, and for Phil. "This is too early for something so intense," he murmured softly, voice cracking just a bit and one side of his mouth curling up to hint at a smile. "Can we..." He cleared his throat, hoping to clear all his nervousness, too. "Can we go lay down maybe? My room, where we haven't had sex y-? Yes?" He had been about to say "yet," but embarrassment heated up his cheeks quickly as he hung around on Phil's neck. "I'm sleepy and you're hungover..."

Phil let out a soft, relieved laugh at Dan's comment, thankful to hear the hint of sarcasm in his voice. It was a signal that he wasn't all that upset anymore, and that had always been Phil's goal. To make Dan feel better. To help him. He dropped a fleeting kiss to Dan's temple and nodded. "'Course, yeah. My room's a bit too...messy at the moment." Fighting back a blush, he slowly took a step forward, guiding Dan with him in the direction of the man's room. He could hardly stand to peel himself away no matter how inconvenient it might've been to walk in that position, with Dan flush against his chest, arms tangled together. "Want to cuddle with you, make up for this whole mess. Okay?" he suggested softly.

It wasn't until they were in Dan's room that he realized Phil was still more or less naked. A hint of a smile still tugging at the corner of his mouth, Dan nodded and pressed a kiss to Phil's temple, gently leading him toward the bed and then moving himself toward the closet. "I don't mean to be crass so early in the morning," he called out over his shoulder, "but since you came in my arse last night, it isn't that strange if you wear my clean boxers, right?" His sarcasm had automatically taken a dramatic spike as a subconscious response to the fact that, although he was no longer sobbing hysterically, they were in uncharted territory that made Dan very, very anxious. He grabbed a pair and tossed them, rather unathletically, although they did just barely reach their destination, to Phil. Taking a deep breath to calm himself down and hopefully cut down on the sarcasm simultaneously, he walked back into the room and went over to his bed, climbing under the covers. "But, erm... yes. Please cuddle me," he mumbled quietly, hopefully loud enough for Phil to notice and follow through on.

Phil was silent, momentarily surprised by Dan's comment, until a laugh forced its way from his lips. "Jesus Christ." he breathed out, drawing his fingers through his fringe. There was a grin on his face as he caught the item in question, though. "You're ridiculous." He knew Dan well enough to realize that the blatant sarcasm was a defense mechanism- the man was unsure of the situations, as was Phil. After he'd let the towel pool at the floor around his feet, he pulled the boxers on, thankful that he and Dan wore the same size. The bed dipped beneath him as he slid in beside Dan. "Come here, then," he murmured encouragingly. His arm wound around Dan's waist, inching closer.

"I do," Phil agreed easily. "God knows why, but I do." He curled himself around Dan's form, remembering when Dan was shorter, easily able to fit under his chin and into his arms. Dan still did, of course, but now his long legs stretched past Phil's own and his shoulders were broader when Phil slung an arm around them. He had Dan's head tucked into his shoulder now, though, and everything felt right. Then Dan brought up the sex. The kiss. And Phil sighed quietly, eyes closing, because he knew they'd have to discuss it eventually, even if Phil was awkward with words. "We should talk about them, yeah." He remembered when Dan stayed over the first time they met. The boy had been homesick, unable to sleep on the futon. He'd slid beneath the covers beside Phil late at night, and by morning, they'd been a mess of tangled limbs and blankets and /warmth/. He'd almost kissed Dan. But he didn't, and Dan flushed red, and they never discussed it further. "I don't want to ignore what happened. Want to clear everything up." He swallowed, focusing on the weight of Dan next to him. "I think the best way to explain this is that I've had the stupidest crush on you since that first four hour Skype call. So."

Dan's eyes flew open, shining questioningly as he looked up at Phil. Phil's eyes had shut at some point, most likely when Dan had started talking about the sex. As sweet and sunshiny as Phil was, he had never done so well with the ideas if bad emotions. He could wipe them away from Dan's life without a second thought, but his own very rare ones stalled him a bit and it had always made Dan feel a bit guilty that he didn't have the capacity to comfort that Phil possessed and had utilized so many times to make Dan feel safe and somewhat happy again. "Okay," he said quietly. "A crush like, you've wanted to blindfold me and tie my wrists behind my back while screwing me since 2009, or you've had a legitimate crush on me since then?" Dan was pretty sure he knew the answer, but it would've killed him to be wrong about this. He wasn't as stupid as he seemed; he had noticed things back then. Dan had already liked Phil so much it scared him by the time they Skyped, and he was just a tiny, tan teenager, so unsure of his life and his feelings. He remembered that first Skype call, with Phil asking at some point whether Dan had ever dated a boy before. They had both known what it was. Dan had been out on the internet as bi for a long time, and it was impossible for Phil not to had seen it. The question had been about them, but Dan was scared and small, and every time Phil bit his lip or made a dirty joke, Dan's tanned face flushed pink within seconds. Phil had been so sweet to him, and he thrived on it, fed off it, let it turn him into the obnoxious twat, but undeniably happier person he was today. Sometimes when he lied awake at night, thinking about it, he genuinely considered that he would not have grown as tall if he hadn't had Phil at his side, building him up and letting him stand up a bit straighter. He let out a short chuckle. "I can't believe we tried to not talk about it. Quite possibly the dumbest thing we've ever done. And you almost lit the flat on fire once..."

At Dan's question, he shook his head, and held Dan in his arms that much tighter. Sure, he knew Dan was joking, logically. But not talking about things had brought them here, and he didn't want to revisit a crying episode again. Or ever. "Both." he breathed out. "Definitely, absolutely both." He could tell by thre way Dan went still, then, that he was drowning in his thoughts. Overthinking, like he always did, and Phil kissed his forehead gently in an attempt to ease his worries "Yeah. That was dumb," he agreed. "I was just. So scared. Didn't want to lose you, you're so goddamn important to me, I didn't want to risk it." His words were mumbled against the skin of Dan's temple, too unsure of himself to say them clearly. God. Dan had come such a long way since back then. Sure, Phil had appreciated their height difference- he'd liked Dan's insecurity, because it meant that he could protect the boy. But now Dan had grown, both physically and mentally, and Phil was so in love with the person he'd become that it hurt. He remembered a time where he thought that maybe he'd move out. Yelling, slamming doors, Dan pushing him away. And now the boy was cuddled up to him, something so different than how he'd expected things to go.

Dan's lips quirked instantly into a smile when "both" tumbled from Phil's lips into the very limited space that separated the two of them. So, he did know. He had known. It felt nice, knowing once and for all the Phil really did have romantic feelings towards him, but at the same time, it felt so much worse knowing they had spent almost 7 years now ignoring that fact. Dan had been so scared as a teenager that he'd get his silly law degree at university and then spend the rest of his life in the mundane, boring himself and wasting the finite time he had. Now he was worried that he had done exactly that. His breath picked up a bit, a little more uneven than it had been because he was veering dangerously close to the ideas that began the downward spiral of Existential Crises™. Letting out an inaudible squeak of fear, he squeezed his eyes shut tightly and curled further against Phil's chest, although it was barely possible. If they got any closer, they'd be the same person at this point. Dan wouldn't mind that so much. "I really am sorry," he whispered eventually. "I know you said that you don't hate me, but I shouldn't have gone along with that when you were so drunk. I should've took the things you were saying and... talked about them like an adult the next day. Now things are more complicated, and I just-" His voice broke. "I just care about you loads, alright?"

Phil was sure if there was one word that could accurately describe his current expression, it would be fond. Because it was like Dan was eighteen again, unsure and shaky against Phil's chest. "I care about you loads too," he murmured softly, his hand curling into Dan's hair and stroking it comfortingly. "And everyone makes mistakes. You're only human. If you gave in to my incessant suggestions that we fuck, it's really not your fault. I promise you." And to shut Dan up, stop him from rambling off about how sorry he was, Phil dipped his head down and pressed their lips together. The kiss was tender and slow, with Phil trying to convey every pent up emotion from over the years. Every lingering glance, every hug that lasted a bit too long, every time they had to stumble through the explanation that no, they weren't dating, and yes, they were just flatmates. Friends. "God. This took us so long to figure out." he breathed into the kiss. "Seven years. Should've made a move, could've been kissing you this entire time. I've missed out."

Dan felt tears welling up in his eyes once again, but this time, they weren't directly followed by an earth shattering sob. Everything just felt so real, so raw, and Dan barely had the capacity to deal with his emotional health on a day-to-day basis. Throw in a boy he'd been in love with for seven years comforting him and kissing him after they'd finally resolved 7 years of sexual tension? Dan was on the most intense of mood swings, and all he could do was hold on for dear life and pray to whatever that he wouldn't fall off. He was silent for a while, just nuzzled against Phil, thinking enough that a bit of a headache started to develop, especially since he hadn't actually gotten any of the coffee this morning. "I think it may have been important that we were friends for a while," he mumbled eventually, still mostly lost in his own thoughts, but figuring Phil deserved to know what was going on in his head. "I can't say for certain. But I don't know if I would've believed how much you cared about me as a person if we had been together. I'd been in relationships before. That hadn't helped me. So maybe it's good we were just friends, for a while. Not as long as we let it happen. That year I just screamed at you and didn't let you touch me under any circumstances wouldn't have happened..." He sighed, and kissed Phil again, tired of thinking. All he wanted was to be with Phil, tangled together, attached at the hip, and breathing the same air. The way they had always been, essentially. But honest this time.

Phil wholeheartedly agreed. Although he'd liked to have been kissing Dan since they met, maybe it was best they grew together as friends first. Dan was more mature now, able to handle himself in a relationship. Phil could only imagine how much more painful 2012 would've been if they were dating, /in love/, and Dan cut him out of his life. God. It would've been horrible, he knew, and he definitely would've cried a lot, but he was sure that he wouldn't have left. Even then. He'd rather get hurt than leave Dan on his own. "Yeah-" he whispered softly. "Not going to dwell on wasted time. I'm just glad to have you now." He pressed his face against the crook of Dan's neck, briefly, dropping a kiss to his skin. Not sexual. Just innocent, trying to convey how much he cared. "Are...we dating now? Would you want to be in a relationship with me?" he found himself asking, eyes closed. "Because it seems like that's the next logical step from here."

"I just... I worry." Dan snorted at himself as soon as those few words were uttered so dramatically. Of course he worried. He always worried, about everything, and all the time. They were taking themselves so seriously today, which made sense, considering how weighty the topic was. It still felt so strange to be so melodramatic with Phil, such little laughter sprinkled in between these emotionally charged exchanges. "I want to. I swear I do. I know if things go sour, they could end up very poorly. I know even more though that I... I need you more than I can plan for things going wrong. But us getting together isn't just about us, right? So much extra pressure with... with everybody watching. They've thought we were a perfect couple for 7 years. What if we don't live up? What if that makes us feel bad? What if that makes it worse? Wha-" Dan cut himself off, recognizing the question spiral he had gotten himself stuck in. Phil's eyes were closed and his face looked pained. Dan's heart ached a bit to see his own words making Phil more unhappy. "I want to," he whispered needily, bringing his hands up to cup Phil's face. "I want you. I'm just scared. I'm always scared and you're so brave."

As soon as Dan started rambling, as soon as the 'what if's' started pouring out, Phil couldn't help but frown. This was always the precursor to an existential crisis. It had happened before they'd released the book. "What if they don't like it?" Dan had asked him, eyes trained towards the floor. "What if we do all this work and they hate it?" And Phil had reassured him over anime binge watching and ice cream that everything would turn out just fine. "Nothing matters except your happiness." he said simply. "If you're happy being with me, then who cares what they think, yeah? They'll support us no matter what." Another kiss was pressed to Dan's jaw this time. He couldn't get enough of the man, making up for lost time. "And even if things don't work out, you're still my best friend. We'll be okay."

Phil had always had impeccable instinct and execution when it came to knowing what Dan wanted to hear. Dan had been convinced for years that he would've lost his mind a long, long time ago had he not had Phil's carefully thought out reassurances at his ready disposal. But today? Today Phil hit the nail on the head. It was everything Dan needed to hear, pressed against Phil's chest with the heartbeats and limbs intermingling. "I have to tell you something," he said quietly, looking up at Phil with his eyes wide. As soon as their eyes met however, Dan's stomach dropped and he trained his eyes lower, hesitating just a bit. "I erm..." he mumbled. "I think it's important you know, before either one of us gets invested in a new relationship type of thing. I was the first one to say it platonically, so I guess it makes sense I'd say it first in a romantic context too." His eyes flickered up to Phil's confused expression. "I think I might already be in love with you. So... things would already be pretty involved, at least on my end."

The words 'I think I might be in love with you' rang in Phil's head, and he wasn't able to properly form a response for a solid minute. He'd known that Dan had feelings for him- it’d been evident from the kiss. But he hasn't let himself hope that Dan's feelings were as deep as his, that Dan was just as far gone as he was. "Oh." he choked out, and well, that wasn't exactly the best response to Dan's confession so he quickly corrected himself. "I love you too, God. Come here." Somehow, he pulled Dan closer, pressing a desperate flurry of kisses to the man's cheeks, neck, mouth, anywhere he could reach. "Loved you since the Ferris wheel in Manchester. Loved you for so long, Dan, oh my god." He blinked back the apparent wetness in his eyes and kissed Dan properly on the mouth this time. "Should've told me before, you absolute spoon."


End file.
